Now that the dapper Mr. Dylan is suavely Mount Rushmoring with Victoria's Angels, it's time for me to really step last month's song fire sale into high gear. Co-writers be damned! It's all up for grabs guys. Your heirs will thank me when they don't have to split-shift McDonald's and Wal-Marts to make ends meet.
First one on the block this month is 'Hometown Jukebox'. Yes, that chiming rock 'n reggae crowd pleaser is up for bid, and leading the way is Ensenada Escorts. They've even offered me a spot in their commercial, where I, dressed in casual black, casually eye a line-up of forlorn femme fatales.
Next one down the auction chute is 'Introductory Offer'. Although a bitter offhand swipe at all the poisons I've subjected myself to over the years because the rates were low, a little lyrical finagling and any car manufacturer, credit card company or bank can have it cheap. Not one of my better ones so they can have it real cheap! "They gave me an introductory/ Offer to reality / A ten day trial period / or my money back". It sounds like Santana's 'Evil Ways' but let the courts figure that one out.
Item 4629 is a blatant blues rip of 'The Night Time Is The Right Time' entitled 'Stormy Lake'. Circa 1982, the song's ribald references to a bus ride to a a place where "they've got blue, green and red pills" could be rearranged all ballad-like for any leading pharmaceutical manufacturer or dope dealer on the stock exchange. 'Living Through Chemistry' is still a standard this country can uphold.
Though it might make Mrs. Curmudgeon frown, our wedding song, 'Moments Away From A Lifetime' can be had at bargain rates too. Jewelers, bridal boutiques and wedding planners world wide shoulc be flocking by with boodles any moment now.
'I Brake For Lovers', even for the least-sharpest knife in the drawer, is self explanatory and should be featured on upscale car commercials instead of The Who and Led Zeppelin. The line "The scratch of passion never quite heals" could do double duty for some anti-STD slogan or right wing zealot group. Mr. Bush's office please contact me concerning the latter.
The odd parallel twixt my creative expression and creative pharmaceuticals is becoming blatantly obvious. The makers of Zanx, Welbutrin, Paxil, and Prozac could all make creative use of tow of my more paranoid confessions, namely '(Now I Am The) Time Bomb' and 'Every Sin Under The Sun'.
'Gravity Gets Us All' is a natural complement for Jenny Craig, All-Sport, Gold's Gym, plastic surgeon or Botox party representative. "The doctors cut/ The doctors stitch / An make museum pieces / No matter how much you iron babe / You'll always see the creases" is just one of many clever verses before the choral punch-line 'Gravity Gets Us All baby!"
That it calls for a ten-day national strike to right the good ship America, the sprightly island march of the chorus "For Ten Days / Don't put your boots on!" could certainly be extrapolated from the whole and used to serve Club Med or Carnival Cruises. Same for the chorus of 'Holiday', even if it is a dark character sketch of one woman who leaves her loves and life behind to "run a brand new number down". The chorus "It's time to take a Holiday away" could, beyond any speculative doubt, urge Travelocity.com browsers to leave it all behind for a while.
With the nation at war (and what else is new?) the militaristic titled 'My Secret Weapon' may already sound like a rallying cry and may not suggest one of my best love songs but even a cursory listen "My Secret Weapon against the world is you / You're the source of all my power" would make great airplay for 1-800-FLOWERS, FloristUSA.com or Vermont Teddy Bears. Ditto the admittedly schmaltzy 'For The Sake Of Love' and 'Memories Of You'. Promise me a long term contract and I'll throw 'Faded Roses' in for thorns.
My style is so varied that there's so many more: 'The Idiot's Cup Of Tea', 'Forty Years In The Wilderness', 'The ThrashinGnomes Of Halycon', 'Aberdeen'. Three faves the bouncy RnB 'If She Knew What She Wanted', 'Ego-Ectomy', and 'The Maturity Game' could be negotiated. All in all a treasure trove of marketing jingles awaits.
Posted on May 18, 2004
Since setting aside his rock 'n roll aspirations, Michael Jurkovic complains of far less migraines.
Armed with a Bachelors Degree in Advanced Air Guitar and Facial Distortions, MJ recovered from his less than National Honor Society collegiate experiments (1973-1976) for a life in rock 'n roll. Roadie, manager, lyricist, front man and producer, Mike saw the years of late nights taking a toll on his hair line and quietly backed away.
He served two years as VP of the then prestigious Westchester Songwriting Guild (1987-1989), delving into demos and the details of a once honorable music business. In 1993 he began producing and directing The Menus Of Chefman a cooking comedy TV show seen by legions on eighteen local access channels from Manhattan to Malibu. Of course, the Food Network got a hold of his demo and Emeril Live was suddenly a reality.
From 1995-1997, he served as president of the nationally recognized Hudson Valley Writers' Association and founded the Voices Of The Valley Poetry Performance Series, now on hiatus after a successful 6 year run in New Paltz and Kingston.
In 1997, Mike was invited by the publishers of Rhythm and News Magazine to "rant, rave and misbehave" and thus was born The Rock 'n Roll Curmudgeon. He now contributes interviews, CD and book reviews to SyndiMusic.com, British Independent Record Dealers, and Folk and Acoustic Music Exchange.
Mike's poetry has appeared in Hunger, AlphaBeat Soup, Poetry Motel, Chronogram, Poet's Gallery, Medicinal Purposes, & Outlet. His poetry has been featured online with Recursive Angel, Soul to Soul, & SpokenWar, and appears in the critically acclaimed, nationally distributed poetry anthology Will Work For Peace as well as the regionally distributed Dyed In The Wool, A Hudson Valley Anthology. He regularly performs his stand-up poetry throughout New York & New England.
He loves Emily most of all.